Written in honor of the memory of my mom, Jo Anne Swart.

(1933 – 2020. Yes, that is 87 well lived years)

What has been a story of “other people” and “an inconvenience” became tragically real incredibly fast from November 17th when Mom was diagnosed with Covid 19 to when she died on December 8th. But I don’t want to have this be a tragic story because that is not who Mom is, or was. It is a story of a loving family scattered across the country in three time-zones who pulled together to support our sick mom/grandmother using all our talents to make sense, make room and make meaning out of death in the time of a Covid-19.

I am writing this because I don’t know what else to do. I am not going anywhere in a lock down. There is no refrigerator to clean out nor cupboards to sort through as we have been doing that for the past few years. As mom’s dementia increased her living space decreased from an airy apartment, to an efficiency apartment, to a room. And given the pandemic, we are not flying anywhere, planning a funeral service or an IRL celebration.

Our mom was an RN/Nurse Practitioner whose area of expertise was Death and Dying. Yes, Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s book On Death and Dying was on the kitchen table much of our childhood. Mom and Elizabeth taught us well. I am writing this because, like my mom, I need to be helpful. I like to share what I have learned (and am learning) and if – God Forbid – you find yourself in the similar situation, you can use these ideas too.

A 12 Step Guide to Handling the Death of a Loved One from Covid-19

1. Create a Response Team Group Text. For us it was the three siblings and the eldest adult grandchild. It really helps if the eldest grandchild is also a grief therapist. Yes, she really is, what a gift! In addition to sharing updates and logistics, share yourself, share pictures, share stupid jokes.

2. Designate one person each day to interface with the nurse’s station and disseminate that info through the Response Team Group Text. The last thing you want to do is overwhelm the incredible nursing staff with multiple people calling to get the same updates and information.

3. Have more than one person with Medical Power of Attorney. Decisions happen fast and this way more than one person can be available to the medical staff when things like the “we need permission to call 911” call comes in.

4. Research hospice places early on because once you get the End-of-Life designation the hospital wants you out of there ASAP as they need the bed for the next Covid-19 patient. Sad but true.

5. Hospice room with an outdoor space. We were lucky, it is December, but our mom lived in Arizona. The hospice room had an attached patio. My eldest brother – who flew the 1.5 hours from San Francisco to Phoenix – was there IRL and camped out on the patio so he could be at least 10’ away from mom, double masked, outside. But she knew he was there.

6. Technology is your friend. My brother was able to set up his laptop on an outdoor patio chair and zoom the camera in so we could see mom in her bed. He also had a portable speaker that could go next to mom’s bed so she could hear our voices. Hearing is the last sense to go.

7. Outsource a facilitator or Death Doula if you want to have a vigil bedside. We are a spiritual but mostly agnostic family and while we are all high functioning folks who know our way around a facilitation – we couldn’t do this for our own mother/grandmother. If you belong to a temple/church/synagogue/mosque there are prescribed rituals and people to call. We know we needed someone to facilitate, to take charge, to hold space and give us permission to grieve. We had a glorious death doula who facilitated a two-hour bed side vigil for mom.

8. Music is a transportive vehicle. But singing together on zoom doesn’t work due to the lag. But one person can sing and you can play music through your computer. Threshold Choir is a singing group that sings specifically for the dying and has music you can download for free off their website.

9. Talk directly to the dying like they are there in the room. Cover them with verbal hugs and gentle strokes. Massage their feet with your stories. Hold their hand and trace their palms with your beautiful memories.

10. When your loved one takes their last breath know it is only their husk you are saying goodbye to. Covid-19 patients dead bodies disappear fast from the hospice to the morgue given the pandemic so know if cremation or burial is your/their choice.

11. Funerals during a pandemic. We will have an in-person service when it is safe, but that is 6+ months from now. Think about what YOU need. I am feeling the need to gather whoever wants to join me for an evening of virtual storytelling over zoom sharing stories about mom while drinking her favorite beverages – Vodka Tonics and Frappuccino’s. 

12. Everyone grieves differently. Some with laughter. Some with tears. Some with music. Some with compartmentalizing. Some with a wild combination of them all.  No judgement. Grief is a process that we aren’t really in charge of but we can give ourselves room and pay attention to. As for my grief, it comes and goes.  For now I will make myself a cup of tea.